Losing Myself

Identity is a harrowing word fraught with anxiety and misunderstanding. It’s not uncommon for young adults to realize that who they are, and who they will be doesn’t always mesh with who they thought they were, who their parents want them to be, and who society expects them to be. Often, an academic crisis is really an identity crisis clothed in unrealistic expectations.

A study by the American Psychological Association in 2011 presents the following disturbing trends among college students:

• ·         One-third of students reported depression and anxiety so severe that it impeded their ability to    function in college.

• ·         The most common mental conditions plaguing students are depression, anxiety, panic attacks and ADHD.

• ·         College students reported feelings of hopelessness (45%) and overwhelming anxiety (50%) most frequently.

You can read the full report here.

My intention is not to diagnose a pre-existing medical condition. I’m not a clinician. However, I do interact with students who express these feelings while visibly distressed in my office. It’s becoming a more common phenomenon.

What I can do, as a communication scholar who writes about identity, is provide a new perspective for those of you who struggling to figure out who you are now.

This is a normal rite of passage. There are two types of people – those who handle uncertainty without the appearance of doubt, and those who fall apart. Everyone will experience uncertainty. Some people just look like they are at peace and in control. It is wise not to idolize them. This may indicate an inability to handle stress appropriately by suppressing anxiety and ignoring reality. Speak to those who have gone before you. Talk to professors, older students, and other adults in your life. You will discover that we all go through a crisis of self every once in a while.

Identity is created, and therefore, it can be changed. Identity is socially-constructed, which means society (especially family members) influence who you are. You are not a beautiful unique snowflake. You are a carefully crafted piece of art. I’ll spare you all of the theories that explain this, but we tend to gravitate toward whatever people think of us. As you enter adulthood, you make a conscious decision to accept or reject those notions. If you were a good student (an idea reinforced and encouraged by parents, teachers, school counselors, etc.) and you fail an exam in college, your identity will be challenged, and so will your ability to cope with this new information. This often causes anxiety. If your parents want you to major in one area, but you decide to another, this will cause anxiety.

If identity is created, then it can be changed. More specifically, you can change it. Your identity will change several times over the course of your lifetime. You will have to process what it means to be a spouse, a parent, a coworker, a senior citizen, and retired. You may have to struggle with the identity issues that come from a divorce, illness, or disability. Each time, you will redefine what it means to be you. Rather than despair over these changes, embrace the changes.

As the band Switchfoot asks “this is your life/are you who you want to be?” Removing the stressor does not solve your identity issues. You will still struggle with this question with fewer answers in sight and prolong the stress.

Not everyone will accept this change and accepting non-acceptance is a mark of adulthood. Parents are a great ally. They can also be your worst enemy. When I speak to student about an academic issue, the ghosts of the parents are often in the room. Fear of disappointing parents frequently causes a student to become immobile. Sometimes that fear is real, and sometimes it is perceived. Part of adulthood is making a logical decision and standing beside your decision (always respectfully). Parental authority wanes and eventually is replaced with bosses, spouses, children, churches, neighbors, friends, and other people who make demands on your time and attempt to shape you into what you want they want you to be. Healthy, successful, mature adults learn to set boundaries and stand up for their own convictions.

College is temporary. I can’t emphasize this enough. The college experience is fleeting. Ask anyone who is preparing to graduate. You just transitioned into college life only to enter into real life. Please put this experience into perspective. You will survive. You will grow. You will move on.

Know when to say when. Maturity is also knowing when to seek help. You will enter numerous stages in your life and sometimes without adequate warning. If this first transition into adulthood is difficult, seek help from a counselor at your school. They will teach you these skills. There is no shame is seeking help. I speak from experience.